


Why?

by angelbaby731



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Avril Lavigne!fic, Bromance, Cutting, Sadness, Suicide, no phan (kinda)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-18
Updated: 2014-04-25
Packaged: 2018-01-12 23:58:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 3,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1205284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelbaby731/pseuds/angelbaby731
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Phil is ugly'<br/>'Phil is so immature'<br/>'No one likes Phil'<br/>'Phil should just kill himself'</p><p>Everyone always says these things, they're all over Phil's dashboard on Tumblr. All he ever sees anymore is hate, and he can't take it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Take Me Away

**Author's Note:**

> Take Me Away by Avril Lavigne
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ao70O2FuJ_U

I cannot find a way to describe it  
It's there inside; all I do is hide  
I wish that it would just go away  
What would you do, you do, if you knew  
What would you do

 

All the pain I thought I knew  
All the thoughts lead back to you  
Back to what was never said  
Back and forth inside my head  
I can't handle this confusion  
I'm unable; come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone  
All by myself I need to get around this  
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you  
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand  
Cause no one understands

All the pain I thought I knew  
All the thoughts lead back to you  
Back to what was never said  
Back and forth inside my head  
I can't handle this confusion  
I'm unable; come and take me away  
I'm going nowhere  
I'm getting nowhere  
Take me away  
I'm going nowhere 

All the pain I thought I knew  
All the thoughts lead back to you  
Back to what was never said  
Back and forth inside my head  
I can't handle this confusion  
I'm unable; come and take me away  
I'm going nowhere  
I'm getting nowhere  
Take me away  
I'm going nowhere  
Take me away  
Break me away  
Take me away


	2. Finding Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan finds Phil. Badly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil's P.O.V

I sit on my bed, green and blue sheets curled around my fisted hands. I look longingly at my drawer in my side table. I promised myself I wouldn't, not since I moved in with Dan, but it's too much. I feel as if I am literally being pulled to it, and eventually, I give in. I give in to the thoughts people have put in my head: I. AM. WORTHLESS.

I sit on my knees in front of my table, slowly sliding the drawer out onto my lap. After rummaging around for a bit, I find and pull out a blue box, cleverly disguised as a retainer case. With effort, I fling myself back onto the bed. I put my head in my hands and curl into a fetal position, wiping my tears on my bedspread. After sobbing for a while, I swing my legs down off the side of the bed and grab the blue box. I stare at it for a while, shaking my head. I pop it open. Inside there are bandages, antisceptic, and gauze.

And blades.

I look at my collection, sadly wondering how I came to own so many. I decide on a blade from the inside of a pencil sharpener, knowing it will bring the most sting, but the smallest scar. I press the blade on my soft skin of my inner forearm, noticing the faint lines of past regrets. I take a deep breath. The red liquid is soothing to watch. Its beautiful, the way in contrasts, dappled, against my snowy white skin. I'm focused. Too. focused.

Footsteps. I hear footsteps in the hall. Nonono. I look at my phone. Its time Dan would be home! How did I get so stupid? "Shit," I mutter under my breath. I grab a towel from the floor and dab my arm, trying to clean quickly. Stings.

"Phil?" I hear Dan call out.

I contemplate not answering. "Yeah?" I call back.

"Where are you?"

"Just got out of the shower!" I yell, multitasking with cleaning my arm and putting the blades away.

"You okay?" He calls, closer. "You sound weird."

"Fine!" I accidently drop the box. It swings open, sending blades sliding everywhere. I watch in horror as the blade I used- still covered in blood- slides under the door. Damn. I can't open up and get it because Dan would see me and know i wasnt in the shower. I settle for sitting on my bed, expecting him to walk away. What I do not expect is for him to open the door, holding the bloodied blade in his hand. He stands with his head bowed, hand resting on the doornob, looking at the sadness he held in his other hand. There was a long silence. I don't know what to do, so without lifting my head, I say as quietly as possible: "Get. Out."


	3. Naked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naked by Avril Lavigne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cO_Gn15Ba0

I wake up in the morning  
Put on my face  
The one that's gonna get me  
Through another day  
Doesn't really matter  
How I feel inside  
'Cause life is like a game sometimes

But then you came around me  
The walls just disappeared  
Nothing to surround me  
And keep me from my fears  
I'm unprotected  
See how I've opened up  
Oh, you've made me trust

Because I've never felt like this before  
I'm naked  
Around you  
Does it show?  
You see right through me  
And I can't hide  
I'm naked  
Around you  
And it feels so right

I'm trying to remember  
Why I was afraid  
To be myself and let the  
Covers fall away  
I guess I never had someone like you  
To help me, to help me fit  
In my skin

I never felt like this before  
I'm naked  
Around you  
Does it show?  
You see right through me  
And I can't hide  
I'm naked  
Around you  
And it feels so right

I'm naked  
Oh oh yeah  
Does it show?  
Yeah, I'm naked  
Oh oh, yeah yeah

I'm so naked around you  
And I can't hide  
You're gonna (you're gonna) see right through, baby  
you're gonna see right through,

i'm so naked around you,  
and i can't hide,  
you're gonna see right through, baby


	4. Words Aren't Needed; You Hear My Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan learns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dan's P.O.V.

"Get. Out." I hear Phil say softly. I know I can't do that, can't leave knowing he's most definitely not okay. I just stand there, waiting for an explanation of some sort. Phil doesn't move for the longest time, then I see his shoulders begin to shake. I stand in the doorway a little while longer, debating with myself on a course of action, then step inside and close the door. Phil lifts his head, evidently thinking I'm gone, and I see his tear-stained face and bloodied arm before he can turn away. When he does, I see a tear slide down his cheek. I walk over and sit next to him on his bed. He doesn't look at me. He looks everywhere  _but_ me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask hesitantly.

"No."

I turn, focusing on Lion perched on Phil's dresser.

After sitting in silence for a while, I get up and move to the dresser that the stuffed plush rests on. Gingerly, I pick him up and return to the bed where Phil still hasn't moved from. I focus on Lion, trying to keep my eyes away to the poorly wrapped gauze on Phil's arm. After placing Lion on Phil's shoulder, I giggle softly.

"What?" Phil asks, obviously feigning curiosity. 

"Lion thinks you are comfier than me," I say. Phil laughs without humor. Silence. I pause, then reach over and wrap my arm around Phil's shoulder, pulling him close. He stiffens, then relaxes. 

We sit like that for a long time. I look at his clock on the wall. 12:13 A.M.

Without a word, I crawl over to the other side of his bed. I slide under the covers and turn on my side away from him. I hope he realizes that I'm here for him, that I'm not just being a creeper.

I don't know how long I feel his eyes on me, watching me, before I feel him under the sheets next to me.


	5. Keep Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keep Holding on by Avril Lavigne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Gcrx2Ab0FM

You're not alone  
Together we stand  
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand  
When it gets cold  
And it feels like the end  
There's no place to go  
You know I won't give in  
No I won't give in

Keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through  
Just stay strong  
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you  
There's nothing you could say  
Nothing you could do  
There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away  
I wish you were here  
Before it's too late, this could all disappear  
Before the doors close  
And it comes to an end  
With you by my side I will fight and defend  
I'll fight and defend

Keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through  
Just stay strong  
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you  
There's nothing you could say  
Nothing you could do  
There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe  
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny  
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly

Keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through  
Just stay strong  
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you  
There's nothing you could say  
Nothing you could do  
There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on  
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say  
Nothing you could do  
There's no other way when it comes to the truth  
So keep holding on  
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through


	6. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan asks why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil's p.o.v.

The next morning, I wake up feeling eyes on me. I look about my room. Dan sits in the corner on the floor. When he sees I'm awake, he only says one word, but it shakes my world. "Why?" I'm silent for a good minute before I answer. "Hate," I say. "Hate from everyone saying I'm ugly, immature, that I should kill myself." My voice is getting louder. "That's why! I can't understand why people would ever want someone off their planet, out of their world! I cut because I deserve it, Dan! You try living knowing that you are ugly,  _worthless!_ "

I pull the sheets over my head. Dan doesn't say anything. I can't believe I just yelled at him.

"I'm sorry, Dan," I mutter.

I hear him stand and walk over. I feel him sit next to me on the bed. He pulls the sheets away from my face. I sit up, hanging my legs off the bed next to him. He grabs the arm with gauze on it. I look up into his brown eyes, startled. "Phil," He says quietly.

"Yes?"

He hesitates, the lets go with on hand to pick up one of the blades from the floor. He rolls up his sleeve, and i see faint, silvery lines crossing his skin, just barely noticeable. I look back at him, my heart beating erratically. He takes a breath, and then:

"Phil… If you… If you want to cut," He begins. "Look me in the eye and… and cut me as many times as you would to yourself."

I can't believe what he's saying. I feel my eyes welling up. "I can't hurt you like that!" I choke out. Dan waits expectantly. But for what?

Oh.

He means that it's hurting him just as much as it hurts me when I do this.

_Oh._

And suddenly, I understand everything.


	7. Who Knows?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who Knows by Avril Lavigne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJ_X3DYUQE4

Why do you look so familiar  
I could swear that I have seen your face before

I think I like that you seem sincere  
I think I like to get to know you a little bit more

I think there's something more, life's worth living for  
Who knows what could happen.   
Do what you do, just keep on laughing  
One thing's true, there's always a brand new day  
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day 

How do you always have an opinion  
And how do you always find the best way to compromise  
We don't need to have a reason  
We don't need anything  
We're just wasting time 

I think there's something more, life's worth living for  
Who knows what could happen.   
Do what you do, just keep on laughing  
One thing's true, there's always a brand new day  
Who knows what could happen.   
Do what you do, just keep on laughing  
One thing's true, there's always a brand new day  
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day 

Find yourself, cause I can't find you  
Be yourself, who are you?  
Find yourself, cause I can't find you  
Be yourself, who are you?

Who knows what could happen.   
Do what you do, just keep on laughing  
One thing's true, there's always a brand new day

So you go and make it happen  
Do your best just keep on laughing  
I'm telling you, there's always a brand new day

 

Who knows what could happen.   
Do what you do, just keep on laughing  
One thing's true, there's always a brand new day  
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day


	8. Don't Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan gets angry...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phil's P.O.V.

Three weeks from then, I sit at my computer, scrolling through hate mail. Most of it is calling me gay. Finally picked up on it, haven;t they, smart little bastards.

I've had a crush on Dan since 2009, which is why it probably hurt so much for him to find out about me cutting. The disappointment in his eyes...

Dan walks in angry, back from the store. "What's wrong?" I ask.

"Just some bitch of a cashier telling me my new credit card wouldn't work and not having any cash!" He says quite loudly.

"Hey, calm down, Danosaur," I say softly.

"Don't tell me to calm down! I'm going to Dublin tomorrow for a meet-up and I don't have any fucking cash!" He shouts.

"Dan, get a hold on yourself!"

"Get a hold on _yourself,_ SCISSOR-HANDS!"

Ouch.

There's a moment of silence before Dan realizes what he's done. A flush creeps up his neck. "I'm leaving," He says, turning and walking back out the door.

"No!" I scream to the closing door. "No…! Don't… don't leave… leave me… I love you…" I repeat over and over again, slowly sliding to the floor. I stand again and run to my bedroom, skidding on the tile. I slide open my drawer once I'm in my bedroom, searching for the blue box. I can't find it!

No, wait, this is much worse than that. I sprint back to the door, reaching for my coat before remembering I won't need it. Wait, hold on.. I dash back to my bedroom, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, writing quickly. I fold it up and run out the door onto the busy street.


	9. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbye by Avril Lavigne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0km93nwcyc

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my love  
I can't hide, can't hide, can't hide what has come

I have to go  
I have to go  
I have to go  
And leave you alone  
But always know  
Always know  
Always know that I love you so  
I love you so  
I love you so

Goodbye brown eyes  
Goodbye for now  
Goodbye sunshine  
Take care of yourself

I have to go  
I have to go  
I have to go  
And leave you alone  
But always know  
Always know  
Always know that I love you so  
I love you so,  
I love you so, 

La lullaby  
Distract me with your rhymes  
La lullaby

La lullaby  
Help me sleep tonight  
La lullaby

 

I have to go  
I have to go  
I have to go  
And leave you alone

But always know  
Always know  
Always know  
That I love you so

I love you so  
I love you so,  
I love you so   
I love you so   
I love you so  
I love you so

Goodbye brown eyes  
Goodbye my love


	10. I Left Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dan's P.O.V.

I'm walking somewhere, anywhere. I'm thinking about the years I've spent with Phil, and how I just now realized I love him. If I love him, how can I leave him?

Wait.

I  _did_ leave him. Home. Alone.

My heart stops. I look around; there are people, I should ask where I am since I don't know. But as I try to think, its like I'm in a fishbowl and the water is crashing in.

My phone begins to ring. "Hello?" I answer hurriedly.

"Dan Howell?" The voice on the other end asks.

"Yes…" I answer slowly.

"Um, well…" They stutter. "I don't know how… how to…" My hearts speeds up. "Where?" I ask.

The caller gives me a place and I sprint there as fast as my legs will carry me after asking directions.

As I run up, I already know.

There are police cars and fire trucks. There is police tape blocking the intersection. I step off the pavement weakly.

As I walk into the scene, it is confirmed.

There is a body on the ground, limbs splayed, dark hair matted with blood. The firefighters flips the body over.

 

 

Phil.

A woman comes up to me, holding a ziplock bag with a piece of paper inside of it. She hands it to me, pats my hand, and walks away.

The front of the note has "Dan Howell" and my phone number written on it. I find a place to sit, still in shock. I unfold the note.

' ~~Daniel~~ Dan, I don't think you will understand, but I hope you will. Don't blame whoever hit me, I did it on purpose. I love you… I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I have now. I'm sorry. Goodbye for now, brown eyes. I can't hide, what has come, can fight myself. I have to go, and leave you alone. But always know I love you, take care of yourself.'

So cryptic, vague, cold, detached… the list of adjectives running through my head is endless. I would've expected more… Wait, what the  _hell,_ Dan?! Phil just  _died_ and you're bitching about his note?

Wait.

 

Phil.

Is.

Dead.


	11. Slipped Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BphrCg8SDFI

I miss you, miss you so bad  
I don't forget you, oh it's so sad  
I hope you can hear me  
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same

I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand  
I wish that I could see you again  
I know that I can't

I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same

 

I had my wake up  
Won't you wake up  
I keep asking why  
And I can't take it  
It wasn't fake  
It happened, you passed by

Now you are gone, now you are gone  
There you go, there you go  
Somewhere I can't bring you back  
Now you are gone, now you are gone  
There you go, there you go,  
Somewhere you're not coming back

The day you slipped away  
Was the day I found it won't be the same  
The day you slipped away  
Was the day that I found it won't be the same

I miss you


	12. I'll Join You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan is going to see Phil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> obviously Dan's P.O.V.

I walk to his grave two damn years later. I've been strong until now. I need to let it go. Let  _him_ go.

I stand in front of the headstone, irked that he is six feet below me.

"I miss you." I say. "I miss you so bad. I wish that I could see you. And I hope you can hear me because I am  _pissed!_ Why the  _fuck_ would you do this to me? Why couldn't you just talk to me?! I would've listened!" I yell. I hit the ground. I take slight comfort in the fact that I will be with him again soon.  _Very_ soon.


	13. Let Me Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let Me Go by Avril Lavigne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrtpBYlBilk

Love that once hung on the wall  
Used to mean something, but now it means nothing  
The echoes are gone in the hall  
But I still remember, the pain of December

Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say  
I'm sorry it's too late

I'm breaking free from these memories  
Gotta let it go, just let it go  
I've said goodbye  
Set it all on fire  
Gotta let it go, just let it go

You came back to find I was gone  
And that place is empty,  
Like the hole that was left in me  
Like we were nothing at all  
It's not what you meant to me  
Thought we were meant to be

Oh, there isn't one thing left you could say  
I'm sorry it's too late

I'm breaking free from these memories  
Gotta let it go, just let it go  
I've said goodbye  
Set it all on fire  
Gotta let it go, just let it go

I let it go and now I know  
A brand new life is down this road  
And when it's right, you always know  
So this time I won't let go

There's only one thing left here to say  
Love's never too late

I've broken free from those memories  
I've let it go, I've let it go  
And two goodbyes led to this new life  
Don't let me go, don't let me go

Don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go, don't let me go

Won't let you go, don't let me go


	14. Epoligue

Pj walked to Dan's flat. He and Chris were concerned because he hadn't posted a new video in ages, hadn't tweeted, and hadn't answered when they tried to get ahold of him via phone. He knocked on the door, and after waiting for a few seconds, lifted to potted plant next to the door and grabbed the spare key. Upon unlocking the door, he walked through and into the kitchen. 

"Dan?!" Pj called. Maybe he was asleep. Pj went to his bedroom, knocking before entering. He didn't see Dan in the bed, but then saw the light in the bathroom on under the door.

"Dan?" He inquired, pulling the door open.

He did not expect this.

Dan. On the floor, medicine cabinet open, and empty. Empty medicine bottles on the floor next to Dan. Pj stood there, ice crawling in his stomach, before the ice melted and numbed him. A single tear welled in his eye as he dialed speed dial 4.

"Chris." He said when Chris picked up. "Dan's apartment. He…. CHRIS!!!!" Pj screamed and punched the mirror, unsatisfied with it not hurting his hand other than slicing it to ribbons. He heard Chris sob on the other end, promising to get there soon. Pj slid to the floor next to Dan sobbing harder than he had since Phil's death. He cradled Dan's pale head in his lap, letting his tears fall onto his face. Then he noticed a piece of paper in Dan's hand.

 

============

 

Chris and Pj,

                   I'm sorry for this, I truly am. No, that isn't true. I'm not sorry for doing this, but I am sorry for the hurt it will cause you. I'm not sorry because I get to see Phil again. Thank for trying, really. I just can't go on any longer without him. I ~~loved~~  love him, present-tense and I never got to tell him because I was a selfish bastard who wasn't there when he needed me. But none of that matters now, I get to see him and apologize, and finally tell him I love him. I wish you the best. And Chris? Just ask Pj out already, get married and have kids. It's the least you can do for me, my parting wish.

              See you mother fuckers on the other side,

                                                                                Dan


End file.
